I'm on the web trying to plan a gift for a friend. It's a futile attempt to distract myself from troubling thoughts that have me wide awake at 2 am. Possibly staring them down in this blog entry will send me back to bed.
Our current situation isn't light, and I'm not looking for sympathy. We are blessed, we have help. I suppose what I need, is to allow it to be difficult, and be aware of the ways it affects my continued journey of healing, and trying to emote and have a sound mind. Basically I'm stressed! I find these little windows of relief, usually with the kiddos, but even house work has me at my wits end, and thats the peripheral stuff.
I imagine that exactly 3 years ago I was wide awake at 2 am pouring over the same terrible mental images, that at the time were so fresh and cutting. There are times where now the visions in my head seem to have softened and then the sub conscience of half sleep reminds me just how vivid they will always be somewhere in the deepest realms of my brain's filing system.
The images are so awful. I'm franticly breathing into Ezra and pumping his little chest. His mouth and mine are laced with spit up from his little tummy letting go of our last nursing. I have the old white phone cradled between my shoulder and the side of my face screaming at the 911 gal to help me, that I see color, but I don't think he is.....
If I saw her again, I am sure I would not recognize her. She must have the most awful job in the world, public health nurse, I think? I remember making our appointment, at the WIC office, so that she could explain the results of the autopsy. I think about my arrival there, with Abe, and imagine the most terrible blank look on my face, streaming tears and choking on a hard marble of a lump in my throat. Basically, she, like several other professionals, tried to explain how SIDS just takes life, and that nothing I did contributed to his death. Let me off the hook, and also provide information on our new and free lifetime membership to the SIDS club (have not even looked at the paperwork to this day).
Still to this day in early November 2010 at almost 3 am, I feel extremely guilty. I try and ask God, that if I did do anything wrong, even negligent, that he would forgive me, that Ezra would forgive me, and that even sometimes I would forgive myself. I have times where I feel so sure that there is peace, it's centered around the premise that even if I did make the most awful mistake in my entire life, there is sufficient love to overcome it, and if I could do anything to fix my mistake I would.
Little Buddy....I miss you terribly. You being 3. I still remember you every day and I hope and pray there is some bigger picture for all of this. Love, Momma
