Warning Me!
We're in the final week of the time of Ezra. Anxiety is an understatement, I must have a very healthy heart, it's almost constantly ready to race in response to the season, people's comments, and my memories of a year ago. My stomach on the other hand, I'm not sure. It's been sick a lot lately and I keep avoiding it, thinking that when things slow down with the coming of fall it will settle, I sure hope so.
I consider my mental state pretty unstable, I think about the most obsurd things, but then somehow I'm able to justify them, considering I've come this far with very little professional mental help. The strangest thing is upsetting me and I feel like trying to explain it here might give it less hold on me and my sensitive emotions. I've already explained how I think back often in the "year agos." A year ago right now I was completely oblivious to this tragedy, this saddness that is a dominating part of my life now. I think I see me then and I want to shout back into history. DON'T PUT HIM DOWN! HOLD HIM! YOU HAVE 6 DAYS! HE IS GOING TO DIE! And then I see how happy I am, doing little mommy things around the house, purely blissful. Nothing is clean, there are 5 kids in a 2 bedroom house with 4 adults. There is a true sense of happiness and togetherness, it's harmonious and beautiful. And, I see whats ahead, and thre is no way for me to reach back in time and help me, help Abe and help Malachi and Josiah prepare for the hurt that is looming just in front of us "a year ago." And I imagine next Friday will be most troubling in this scenario I'm playing out in my mind. As the year ago and the here and now scrape so close together the sensory may actually hear, feel, and smell something.
I'm looking forward to the weekend, strangely. Friends and family are coming to join us on a camping trip at Priest Lake, where we had Ezra's memorial service. I think we will more than just survive, I want to send love to Ezra, tell him how much he still matters in this life to me and Abe and the boys and our extended friends and family. He will always be our Baby Ezra.
I love you sweet baby. I love your long brown hair. You're still so precious to me and Daddy and the boys and every day you're not here we miss you even if we don't say it. Our lives will always feel a little twinge of unsettledness because you are not here.
Love you so much! Momma
I consider my mental state pretty unstable, I think about the most obsurd things, but then somehow I'm able to justify them, considering I've come this far with very little professional mental help. The strangest thing is upsetting me and I feel like trying to explain it here might give it less hold on me and my sensitive emotions. I've already explained how I think back often in the "year agos." A year ago right now I was completely oblivious to this tragedy, this saddness that is a dominating part of my life now. I think I see me then and I want to shout back into history. DON'T PUT HIM DOWN! HOLD HIM! YOU HAVE 6 DAYS! HE IS GOING TO DIE! And then I see how happy I am, doing little mommy things around the house, purely blissful. Nothing is clean, there are 5 kids in a 2 bedroom house with 4 adults. There is a true sense of happiness and togetherness, it's harmonious and beautiful. And, I see whats ahead, and thre is no way for me to reach back in time and help me, help Abe and help Malachi and Josiah prepare for the hurt that is looming just in front of us "a year ago." And I imagine next Friday will be most troubling in this scenario I'm playing out in my mind. As the year ago and the here and now scrape so close together the sensory may actually hear, feel, and smell something.
I'm looking forward to the weekend, strangely. Friends and family are coming to join us on a camping trip at Priest Lake, where we had Ezra's memorial service. I think we will more than just survive, I want to send love to Ezra, tell him how much he still matters in this life to me and Abe and the boys and our extended friends and family. He will always be our Baby Ezra.
I love you sweet baby. I love your long brown hair. You're still so precious to me and Daddy and the boys and every day you're not here we miss you even if we don't say it. Our lives will always feel a little twinge of unsettledness because you are not here.
Love you so much! Momma
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