How Far The Pendulum Swings

Apparently anger is one of the phases of grief. It's so strange all the "thats-what-they-say" things that come up. I'm not sure exatly who all has told us, but I know we've been told that anger is a step in the grief process. Must be true because my fuse is so short lately that I'm sad for Malachi and Josiah. I cannot express how much I need them right now. They are therapeutic. And, even though I need them and I feel as though my love has intensified for them and Abe, I get so pissed off at them. Terrible words run through my head, and I imagine myself actually saying them, and it's all very tragic because truly they are my will to keep going. One moment I cannot stop kissing them and the next I have to walk away to save myself from crushing their tender spirits in my anger.

I remember my first angry moment, I'm not sure it was anger, but the extreme pain expelling itself, as we first heard that our baby was dead. I slammed my head against a bar on the hospital bed, began swearing at the doctors and in the same breath screaming his name. I wish somehow I could go back and talk to the ER doctor and the chaplain. I hated them, and I told them so, but I didn't and I don't now. It's their job to tell mothers that their babies, the ones they are nursing, and so naturally used to craddling in their arms are dead. I hated the chaplain, because when it was time for us to give baby Ezra up, never to see him again, FUCKING NEVER! I had to hand him over to the chaplain...and he was so gracious and cried for having to do it. Really I love him, and I don't even think I can remember his name, but I will never forget his face, as he held my precious Ezra and walked away. Do you feel as you read this how terrible it is? Why? I say it out loud and I cry, tears streaming down my face, I can taste them and I'm tired of them.

(I apologize if you are offended by my swearing, it runs in my mind so crazy that putting it on this page gives some sort of relief. I hope it goes away because it is very angry, and inpite of living in mourning the rest of my life, I hope to find joy again soon.)

I'm also very angry at the news media. They showed up at my house when Ezra died. If you ever have a chance to communicate to them, tell them to leave peoples personal matters alone. I wish somehow they could be punished for listening to the dispatch and following the Ememrgency services. How intrusive?

I'm angry at mothers who are less than ideal. Don't get me wrong, I am too. I see mothers divorcing, doing drugs, drinking, who could care less about custody of their children and they have their babies. I feel like mothering was my life passion, I tried my best to do a good job, but tragedy doesn't choose based on goodness aparently. I did things wrong, I had a drink, had caffeine, both which could possibly be a factor in SIDS. The doctors tell me that what I did or didn't do can't change it, that there are people who do much worse and their babies survive. All statistics that say that are based on studies in Austrailia, that Ezra should have been able to lift his head if he was having trouble breathing, but I feel tremendously guilty. Please let me say, even if it's not necessary. I would have done everything or anything different if it would have saved him.

Adri is coming town this weekend. The bistro is going well. Our house is beautiful and we have our Christmas tree up. Malachi and Josiah are growing and healthy. Abe is going hunting tomorrow. I am missing my baby and appreciating you for reading this.


Fantastic Four said…
I have started reading or looking at your blog daily. I am crushed by your sadness. I read your words and cry, I want to put my arms around you and tell you how sorry I am. I have 2 kids and I can't even begin to imagine life without them, but I am SORRY. I am sorry that you have to go through each and every day without your precious little Ezra. A lady in our bible study had to deliver her dead baby at 39 week gestation. 39 WEEKS! Talk about cruel and unfair. She went for a routine appointment, they told her that they couldn't find the heart beat and a few short hours later, she had the baby girl via C section, Her dead little baby girl never came home. I cried until I thought I had not a tear left in my body for this woman and this child. I can't wonder how you felt after loving this child in the womb, and loving him in your home for 2 months.

I don't know why these things happen. Why does God work like this sometimes? What good can come out of this? WHO KNOWS? We'll only find out when we meet our Lord and savior! The only thing I could think when Helen lost her precious Natalie was that the Lord was holding that baby girl and that Natalie will NEVER have to have her heart broken, she will never experience hatred, abuse, sickness, or any other negative thing this world is filled with right now! The survivors-we have to deal with all the sadness, loss, frustration, anger, and ache. For you and so many others I am so so so so sorry. I pray that you will have peace in your heart!!! God Bless you!
KimmerzCook said…
Jessica I grieve for you every day. I love you so much.
Kimberly Anne
Isabelle said…
I am deeply sorry. And I can only imagine how terrible it must be to lose a little baby.
I understand your anger and yes it's a part if the process you're going through, so let it all out!

God bless you and your family.
agirlcalledjean said…
hey jess,
i love you. thank you for expressing yourself on this blog and letting us walk with you as much as possible in your pain. it seems like such a healthy thing being so real and raw here. don't appologize for anything you say here. you should leave your thoughts without worrying how they're judged. this is about you. i miss you. i love you. i wish we could be hugging today.
love, jean

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