How Far The Pendulum Swings

Apparently anger is one of the phases of grief. It's so strange all the "thats-what-they-say" things that come up. I'm not sure exatly who all has told us, but I know we've been told that anger is a step in the grief process. Must be true because my fuse is so short lately that I'm sad for Malachi and Josiah. I cannot express how much I need them right now. They are therapeutic. And, even though I need them and I feel as though my love has intensified for them and Abe, I get so pissed off at them. Terrible words run through my head, and I imagine myself actually saying them, and it's all very tragic because truly they are my will to keep going. One moment I cannot stop kissing them and the next I have to walk away to save myself from crushing their tender spirits in my anger.

I remember my first angry moment, I'm not sure it was anger, but the extreme pain expelling itself, as we first heard that our baby was dead. I slammed my head against a bar on the hospital bed, began swearing at the doctors and in the same breath screaming his name. I wish somehow I could go back and talk to the ER doctor and the chaplain. I hated them, and I told them so, but I didn't and I don't now. It's their job to tell mothers that their babies, the ones they are nursing, and so naturally used to craddling in their arms are dead. I hated the chaplain, because when it was time for us to give baby Ezra up, never to see him again, FUCKING NEVER! I had to hand him over to the chaplain...and he was so gracious and cried for having to do it. Really I love him, and I don't even think I can remember his name, but I will never forget his face, as he held my precious Ezra and walked away. Do you feel as you read this how terrible it is? Why? I say it out loud and I cry, tears streaming down my face, I can taste them and I'm tired of them.

(I apologize if you are offended by my swearing, it runs in my mind so crazy that putting it on this page gives some sort of relief. I hope it goes away because it is very angry, and inpite of living in mourning the rest of my life, I hope to find joy again soon.)

I'm also very angry at the news media. They showed up at my house when Ezra died. If you ever have a chance to communicate to them, tell them to leave peoples personal matters alone. I wish somehow they could be punished for listening to the dispatch and following the Ememrgency services. How intrusive?

I'm angry at mothers who are less than ideal. Don't get me wrong, I am too. I see mothers divorcing, doing drugs, drinking, who could care less about custody of their children and they have their babies. I feel like mothering was my life passion, I tried my best to do a good job, but tragedy doesn't choose based on goodness aparently. I did things wrong, I had a drink, had caffeine, both which could possibly be a factor in SIDS. The doctors tell me that what I did or didn't do can't change it, that there are people who do much worse and their babies survive. All statistics that say that are based on studies in Austrailia, that Ezra should have been able to lift his head if he was having trouble breathing, but I feel tremendously guilty. Please let me say, even if it's not necessary. I would have done everything or anything different if it would have saved him.

Adri is coming town this weekend. The bistro is going well. Our house is beautiful and we have our Christmas tree up. Malachi and Josiah are growing and healthy. Abe is going hunting tomorrow. I am missing my baby and appreciating you for reading this.