Kink in my neck....
I've had a kink in my neck all day. Sorta right between my shoulder blades right along my spine and up into my neck. Josiah had a rough night last night, could be that. When Abe got home from work I asked him to rub it a little and he was shocked at how tense I was. I lost it, warm tears on my cheeks. I told him I think I'm sorta slipping, maybe? Or is this normal for a mother who has lost an infant, on the brink of the next one? I know exactly where the tension is coming from.
I'm not sure if I'm drumming up my mental activity, because I'm nervous, or if it's natural and I just anticipated it, and now it's really happening. After dinner tonight the boys, including Abe wanted to show me their latest "kung fu" moves, basically wrestling, although this time it was with the addition of a blanket being twirled around the room, blanket bending. I had another one of those moments where I can just see Ezra, alive, in the middle of all of it. Me wanting to warn them all to be careful because he wants to be a part of it, but he's still little and might get stepped on. The situations leave me feeling pretty crazy, and ultimately amazed at the human brain and what it's capable of.
It's really up and down. Easy to be excited, hard to be excited. Easy to believe in life, hard to believe in life. Easy to accomplish menial tasks, hard to accomplish menial tasks. I really have a blessed life here, with Abe and the boys, and our home. It's easy to avoid the dark and stay where it's light and happy, but how long can I avoid acknowledging fear and possibly spending some more time mourning Ezra, even after I feel like I've come so far.
I don't think it's to my advantage that the sun goes down at 5 pm. (and yes, we are seriously reconsidering moving to AK next Spring). I never like to consider that I might be feeling depressed, I really don't think I am right now. I just feel like I need to try and tell someone (very ambigous) how signifigant this feels for me, but don't seem to have the words, feelings so deep that words are inadequate. I think it's the one thing that Abe and I have questioned since even those first moments in the hospital we were being told our son was dead. Can we have another baby?
So here we are, very close to a definate yes, we can have another baby. People keep telling me things like, your hands will be full. I resent that, greatly, because these hands were always meant to be taking care of just one more, they will always feel just a little empty for the things that were Ezra's. I think this is what makes it so complicated for me to add another one. Will it be satisfying or will I still be able to appreciate the missing pieces. I feel like I need them, and I'm sure to myself I will know that there was still supposed to be four.
I have now several weeks to work this out and in the mean time...I might have a kink in my neck.
I'm not sure if I'm drumming up my mental activity, because I'm nervous, or if it's natural and I just anticipated it, and now it's really happening. After dinner tonight the boys, including Abe wanted to show me their latest "kung fu" moves, basically wrestling, although this time it was with the addition of a blanket being twirled around the room, blanket bending. I had another one of those moments where I can just see Ezra, alive, in the middle of all of it. Me wanting to warn them all to be careful because he wants to be a part of it, but he's still little and might get stepped on. The situations leave me feeling pretty crazy, and ultimately amazed at the human brain and what it's capable of.
It's really up and down. Easy to be excited, hard to be excited. Easy to believe in life, hard to believe in life. Easy to accomplish menial tasks, hard to accomplish menial tasks. I really have a blessed life here, with Abe and the boys, and our home. It's easy to avoid the dark and stay where it's light and happy, but how long can I avoid acknowledging fear and possibly spending some more time mourning Ezra, even after I feel like I've come so far.
I don't think it's to my advantage that the sun goes down at 5 pm. (and yes, we are seriously reconsidering moving to AK next Spring). I never like to consider that I might be feeling depressed, I really don't think I am right now. I just feel like I need to try and tell someone (very ambigous) how signifigant this feels for me, but don't seem to have the words, feelings so deep that words are inadequate. I think it's the one thing that Abe and I have questioned since even those first moments in the hospital we were being told our son was dead. Can we have another baby?
So here we are, very close to a definate yes, we can have another baby. People keep telling me things like, your hands will be full. I resent that, greatly, because these hands were always meant to be taking care of just one more, they will always feel just a little empty for the things that were Ezra's. I think this is what makes it so complicated for me to add another one. Will it be satisfying or will I still be able to appreciate the missing pieces. I feel like I need them, and I'm sure to myself I will know that there was still supposed to be four.
I have now several weeks to work this out and in the mean time...I might have a kink in my neck.
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