Something Like 8 Weeks
It's always easy to get on this blog when my heart is aching. The last several weeks have been light and sweet adjusting to life with little Hazel, and I have thought that I should try and get on here and find words to describe that side of life, but it never came.
Today it's rainy and dreary and I'm missing Ezra, feeling anxious that in two days Hazel will be 8 weeks, the short time we had our little boy. It's nothing particular that reminds me of Ezra, but maybe more of a collection; her cooing, her smile, her bobbing little head, and her size. Everything that Ezra was, and was starting to do when he died, the things I felt so robbed of and from here on out the reminders of everything he would have been.
I can't really imagine Hazel dying, or maybe I can. I remeber the fears I faced with Malachi and Josiah, the ones of a naieve momma who hadn't really stared death in the face of their precious baby. With Hazel here, when get scared, I KNOW what I'm afraid of, the excuciating heartache the trauma, the despairing sadness.
So I'm trying hard to focus on Hazel's rainbow. When Ezra died I decided for myself, and the boys that we would believe in signs, that it would be part of our connection to Ezra, and him being with our God. The rainbow that appeard for the short moments she was entering this world was our sign; she will live, and she knows Ezra.
We miss you terribly still little buddy! I wish you were here for these days of Hazel, we tell her about you all the time.
Today it's rainy and dreary and I'm missing Ezra, feeling anxious that in two days Hazel will be 8 weeks, the short time we had our little boy. It's nothing particular that reminds me of Ezra, but maybe more of a collection; her cooing, her smile, her bobbing little head, and her size. Everything that Ezra was, and was starting to do when he died, the things I felt so robbed of and from here on out the reminders of everything he would have been.
I can't really imagine Hazel dying, or maybe I can. I remeber the fears I faced with Malachi and Josiah, the ones of a naieve momma who hadn't really stared death in the face of their precious baby. With Hazel here, when get scared, I KNOW what I'm afraid of, the excuciating heartache the trauma, the despairing sadness.
So I'm trying hard to focus on Hazel's rainbow. When Ezra died I decided for myself, and the boys that we would believe in signs, that it would be part of our connection to Ezra, and him being with our God. The rainbow that appeard for the short moments she was entering this world was our sign; she will live, and she knows Ezra.
We miss you terribly still little buddy! I wish you were here for these days of Hazel, we tell her about you all the time.
Comments