Getting Ready

I almost got out of bed last night, but it was almost midnight and Hazel was all snuggled up with me so I laid there with my miserable thoughts swirling until I fell asleep. I can't remember my dreams yet but they were unsettling and I'm awake this morning, but tired. Coffee tastes warm and good.

So then I want to try and recall my feelings, the words in my head, and they are harder to find after sleep. I looked at his picture and turned on some songs that remind me of him, his life, and his death, and the tears well slowly in my eyes, and I know that whats inside of my heart and mind is bursting, and I have to find a way to acknowledge it.

In just a few weeks Ezra will be 3 years. It's hard to believe. It seems like it's been all to short and much longer than that. As time passes I get this feeling that we are farther away from him, that the memories soften and our possible reunion with him a looming distant future. I don't really want to be in the middle, a conscience effort to be in a relationship with something spiritual. The days are busy with the kids and Abe and I only get to reflect on Ezra when I think of him and the times seem to be fewer and farther between. So approaching his birthday my body and subconscious are remembering him, that 3 years ago I was so so so pregnant and enjoying life on the banks of the Anchor River near Homer, Alaska. And the part that brings the choke of a huge lump in my throat, is that NO ONE will revere him as long as I will. If the intensity I long for him has found some solace, then for others even more so. So I feel a little offended when I think people are stepping on my toes, or even disrespecting Ezra, when in reality they are just not as aware as I am. I think family and friends still feel sad for us, and our situation, but we MISS him. What he would be in the mix of this family, the things I would buy and make for him. Try as hard as we may, keeping a memory alive just gets frustrating when all you want is his presence. It's as if all our efforts fail miserably when we realize he is still gone.

I'm still not quite sure what his birthday will be like. I'm not even sure if we will be home. I was telling myself last night that it's been three years, get used to it. And then, feeling sorry for being so harsh, I told myself in 27 years when he would have been 30 I will still probably spend a few nights this time of year crying myself to sleep for what could have been.

I'm gonna live my life

Like every days' the last

Without a simple goodbye it all goes by so fast

And now that you're gone I can't cry hard enough

I can't cry hard enough

For you to hear me now.

Gonna open my eyes and see for the first time

I've let go of you like

A child letting go of his kite.

There it goes up in the sky

There it goes beyond the clouds

For no reason why

I can't cry hard enough

No, I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now

-Williams Brothers

I love you 3 years buddy! There is plenty of room for you in our family always and in my heart.

Momma