One Gift

The very first Christmas after Ezra died, I desperately wanted to give him something, for him to be there in physical to receive it, his first Christmas. I miserable tried to figure out how I could best honor my mother's heart to give gifts to my son, and be reasonable about acquiring stuff that ultimately I would just carrying along in life to remind me of his precious little life. We settled on ordering him a pair of xtra tuf boots from our favorite store in Homer, where he was born, and they sit on the mantle stuffed full of dried flowers I pick for Ezra from time to time.

This year was the first time I settled on not buying/acquiring anything to "give" Ezra. We lit candles to acknowledge his presence with us as we all exchanged gifts with family. All the stockings were off the mantle, except for his and I told Nathan to take it down because there was nothing in it, and I felt a pit in my soul for it. "No, it's got something in it," he said and handed it to me. I pulled out a simple little felt heart with his name embroidered so sweetly. Sarah had included him in the collection of ornaments she made for each kiddo. Tears. I could not think of the best way to bring him Christmas this year, so I let it be. And the blessing of Sarah who so closely walks this road with me, brought what I could not and because of that I felt the wholeness of our family on Christmas morning.

Little Boy, I miss you every day. Me and Daddy struggled this year to understand how to still be so sad, and getting farther away from your time. Regardless, we remember you with angst and love you constantly.

Momma