Abe is making waves again, he usually is, this time he is conquering some monsters that he's held onto since he was young, the ones that squashed his dreams. Society told him to funnel into the mainstream and try not to raise to much attention, do the "right" things and find happiness in the more conventional pathways.
The only thing that now stands in the way the boy arriving at his somewhat dreamy goal of becoming an Alaska big game guide is a kill, which takes him back to Homer without me.
To say jealous is not quite adequate as usually words in this situation are not. The picturesque play out in my mind always had Abe and I arriving for the first time back to Homer together, with the boys and now Hazel, driving the family vehicle and going slow, taking it all in as the first time we arrived there elated to be on an adventure Ezra tucked gently in my growing belly.
My thoughts of this most spiritual place for us are sort of love/hate. Even if I were to find all the words that could pull emotion out of you, use inflection in my voice to draw you into my story of the days I was pregnant on the beaches of the spit, evenings fishing the Anchor river, you would still never know how magical the days were. Only the heart can know those intensities. I look back now and become somewhat angry of those days I love in my memory, how we could so quickly from euphoria to pure hell, and I am grateful for those days, and desperately long to steal back to them for even one minute, before hurt and confusion.
I told Abe I was jealous, but not. I want to go back with him, and have the wretched emotion, to see the place where I brought Ezra home and somehow connect with his spirit away from this hectic schedule of a life. To pick up a shell on the beach and throw it into the rough water of the bay, to go down to the lagoon and see if Salty John still waits around for the fish in his Saab, and watch the sun set on the porch at Nathan and Melissa's at 10:30 in May. Of course there would be a latte in order from K-bay. And it would all feel magical, because the last time I did those things I was with Ezra and we shared those precious moments, because that was all we would get. If we didn't have that place, I can't even fathom the ways this living nightmare could have been darker.
I'll get back there Baby Ezra, promise.
Comments