Mortgage Payment
I've been fighting worry for the last two days. It's easy to worry about my pregnancy because it's constantly reminding me that it's here with achy hips and sore back muscles. I really want to embrace all of it, I'm so excited for the twins, I love them deeply already and I still can't fathom how this wonderful fate is mine. So the worry becomes frustrating because I want to trust in life, and the Giver and put death behind me.
I drive twenty minutes every month to hand the check over the counter and get a receipt. I don't trust the bank that holds our mortgage much more than I trust a crook. They were kind enough to treat us to ice cream when they sold us a terrible loan in the month after Ezra died and we were trying to relocate In the several years we've lived here working with them has been a nightmare! So today was the day I headed to the valley to take care of business, and I woke up crabby and couldn't quite get going. I managed to get out of the house.
It hit me in the car. Ezra's birthday is two weeks away. It's still sad five years later, and I still wish he was here in our story...and I let the warm tears remind me that it is.
I visualize that five years ago right now I was very pregnant with Ezra, like I'm pregnant with the twins now. I know I've said it much before, but it's still so relevant, that time in our lives was almost surreal; the beautiful mountains of the bay, the rivers, the fish, the simple life, and the life that was coming to us sooner than we were expecting.
It's strange that the mortgage payment and Ezra are sort of the same age or fruit of the same season, the house came just a few months after Ezra died, which was only after a few months of life, so roughly speaking. From Ezra we have learned to live deeply, together and following our deepest intuitions, and our biggest obstacle in life right now is this house. I try to bless it and be thankful that it gives us shelter and a place to call home, but it's also been slapped together in places and is falling apart. It needs lots of time and attention and most of all it is nothing near worth what we owe on it. In all the ways we feel called to live well we are chained to this house and it's short comings and the loan that seems impossible to change or fix.
Five years seems like a significant amount of time and in truth it's gone quickly. I think about time ahead of us the next five will do the same in bringing us much life, especially with the twins, and hopefully we'll find a way to be free of this mortgage payment.
I drive twenty minutes every month to hand the check over the counter and get a receipt. I don't trust the bank that holds our mortgage much more than I trust a crook. They were kind enough to treat us to ice cream when they sold us a terrible loan in the month after Ezra died and we were trying to relocate In the several years we've lived here working with them has been a nightmare! So today was the day I headed to the valley to take care of business, and I woke up crabby and couldn't quite get going. I managed to get out of the house.
It hit me in the car. Ezra's birthday is two weeks away. It's still sad five years later, and I still wish he was here in our story...and I let the warm tears remind me that it is.
I visualize that five years ago right now I was very pregnant with Ezra, like I'm pregnant with the twins now. I know I've said it much before, but it's still so relevant, that time in our lives was almost surreal; the beautiful mountains of the bay, the rivers, the fish, the simple life, and the life that was coming to us sooner than we were expecting.
It's strange that the mortgage payment and Ezra are sort of the same age or fruit of the same season, the house came just a few months after Ezra died, which was only after a few months of life, so roughly speaking. From Ezra we have learned to live deeply, together and following our deepest intuitions, and our biggest obstacle in life right now is this house. I try to bless it and be thankful that it gives us shelter and a place to call home, but it's also been slapped together in places and is falling apart. It needs lots of time and attention and most of all it is nothing near worth what we owe on it. In all the ways we feel called to live well we are chained to this house and it's short comings and the loan that seems impossible to change or fix.
Five years seems like a significant amount of time and in truth it's gone quickly. I think about time ahead of us the next five will do the same in bringing us much life, especially with the twins, and hopefully we'll find a way to be free of this mortgage payment.
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