Fibers
I've not been writing on here. I think about it a lot. I've felt mostly indiferent, maybe call it numb. I'm not wanting to go forward in life, not wanting to dwell on the past so much and each moment feels like a huge wet towel hung over my shoulders, sometimes cold, sometimes warm, mostly heavy. I think it takes emotional swings to evoke good writing and I don't like being here if it doesn't come to me.
Most of my thoughts are short and chopy where for a while I felt like I thought/wrote quite elloquently.
Possibly I will try to blog that way and see where it leads.
I now work at a wonderful fabric/yarn/general crafting store. It's SO amazing. Artistic people tend to be more emotionally in tune and it's very true of all of my co-workers and a majority of the customers. When I have the chance to share of my Ezra, they are very sympathetic, but not patronizing. It feels good, as good as good is anymore.
I'm having trouble feeling in touch with Ezra. I have this sickening guilt that I laid him down wrong, somehow caused his death and that his has some sort of animosity towards me. No matter how many people tell me so many times, I have to struggle through this. Here is where I want to say. Even though you are not here in the present time with us, I believe you are in the afterlife, I love you there, I loved you here, my heart is still big enough for you, I hope you feel my love. That you look here where I am and see that I miss you terribly and that my life will never be as good as it could have been. That I believe this, that I want nothing more than to have you back. I LOVE YOU EZRA!!! Isn't his name beautiful. Ezra Lucas.........
I'm dreding and anticipating much the approach of Spring and Summer. These will be the days of Ezra and the melting of the hard cold that's kept us all couped up. Spring will be the anniversaries of my pregnancy with Ezra, his brith comes June and death Aug. Talking to a good friend today, I acknowledged my anxiety about the time between June 25 and August 29th. The warm sun I love a dreadful reminder of the one I love and don't have.
We are surviving beautifully. Malachi and Josiah are so precious, great kids. I love it because their hair is getting longer again, they're just so stinkin cute. They still talk about Ezra, I'm greatful but it's also very sad for me. Eventually he'll fade in Josiah's memory. A very tragic peice to this puzzle.
Looking down at hands empty, marked with a memory
What are they for, no longer comfort they give
See the sadness in their uselessness
A choice to be made, pick them up, the fibers
Create and live fully.
I've had this thought, use your empty hands to create, let them not be idle and waste, give yourself the comfort of running natural fibers, soil inbetween your fingers. Healing will be found close to nature. Thats where Ezra is, in God's creation. If I ever get around to selling my handmade goods I'll call them, Emptyhandcrafts. My hands were left empty, so I picked up my yarn and in my complete loss as to what to do with myself created and in that there is a sense of accomplishment, hard to find when your as lost as a mother whose baby has died. It could end up something, or not, but at least it's been said here.
Enough,
Jessica
Ezra, I love you!
Most of my thoughts are short and chopy where for a while I felt like I thought/wrote quite elloquently.
Possibly I will try to blog that way and see where it leads.
I now work at a wonderful fabric/yarn/general crafting store. It's SO amazing. Artistic people tend to be more emotionally in tune and it's very true of all of my co-workers and a majority of the customers. When I have the chance to share of my Ezra, they are very sympathetic, but not patronizing. It feels good, as good as good is anymore.
I'm having trouble feeling in touch with Ezra. I have this sickening guilt that I laid him down wrong, somehow caused his death and that his has some sort of animosity towards me. No matter how many people tell me so many times, I have to struggle through this. Here is where I want to say. Even though you are not here in the present time with us, I believe you are in the afterlife, I love you there, I loved you here, my heart is still big enough for you, I hope you feel my love. That you look here where I am and see that I miss you terribly and that my life will never be as good as it could have been. That I believe this, that I want nothing more than to have you back. I LOVE YOU EZRA!!! Isn't his name beautiful. Ezra Lucas.........
I'm dreding and anticipating much the approach of Spring and Summer. These will be the days of Ezra and the melting of the hard cold that's kept us all couped up. Spring will be the anniversaries of my pregnancy with Ezra, his brith comes June and death Aug. Talking to a good friend today, I acknowledged my anxiety about the time between June 25 and August 29th. The warm sun I love a dreadful reminder of the one I love and don't have.
We are surviving beautifully. Malachi and Josiah are so precious, great kids. I love it because their hair is getting longer again, they're just so stinkin cute. They still talk about Ezra, I'm greatful but it's also very sad for me. Eventually he'll fade in Josiah's memory. A very tragic peice to this puzzle.
Looking down at hands empty, marked with a memory
What are they for, no longer comfort they give
See the sadness in their uselessness
A choice to be made, pick them up, the fibers
Create and live fully.
I've had this thought, use your empty hands to create, let them not be idle and waste, give yourself the comfort of running natural fibers, soil inbetween your fingers. Healing will be found close to nature. Thats where Ezra is, in God's creation. If I ever get around to selling my handmade goods I'll call them, Emptyhandcrafts. My hands were left empty, so I picked up my yarn and in my complete loss as to what to do with myself created and in that there is a sense of accomplishment, hard to find when your as lost as a mother whose baby has died. It could end up something, or not, but at least it's been said here.
Enough,
Jessica
Ezra, I love you!
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