Bad Day
As soon as my feet hit the floor they wanted back in bed, and my mind was right there with them. Not necessarily to sleep but just to lay, not to think but to close my eyes and be numb. It's amazing what the subconscience realizes before the here and now and the fact that Ezra would be 10 months tomorrow didn't occur to me until this after noon.
First, at story time, I remembered having Ezra in a very distinct spot between two book shelves, and trying to keep eyes on Josiah. The memories are so vivid sometimes I feel like I'm holding a carseat in the crook of my arm, a pile of books in the other and looking for Josiah, for a split second, and then fucking reality comes blasting into my mind and hollars that it's not real.
Then on the playground Malachi made friends with a little boy who had a 9 month old baby sister. She was eating cherrios and being really playful with her mom, things Ezra and I will never do, and it's hard to find the optimistic thoughts in that situation. His mom very kindly asked way to many questions, ie. was he "cold" when you found him? No, he was not, he was very warm, sweaty actually, and thats characteristic of SIDS, but what the hell does it even matter.
Then to top it off work was really busy, which is acutally usually a good thing, passes quickly and usually fun to interact with the customers, esp because my friend got to job shadow me tonight.
"So when are you due?" asks the customer across the counter. So I said what was true and the words sounded so stupid coming out my mouth, because I don't want to defend myself in this. "I had a baby last year and he died and I've had a really hard time, so I eat more than I should and haven't really tried to loose the weight, but thanks!?!?!" AWKWARD. So I act like it's no big deal, walk away and choke back some tears, and think note to self, just don't EVER ask if people are pregnant unless you see the baby hanging between their legs.
So I held it together until I got home from work. Now I'm here, crying, I'm totally hungry, and not sure what to eat that won't contribute to this baby I seem to be growing.
Trying to end on a peaceful note, I love you Baby Ezra. I wish you were here to snuggle me tonight, I feel like it's what I need. You're a special angel and I see you're gifts everyday. Happy 10 months (or 19 or 7 however we look at it) I miss you so much, these words are so futile to say how my heart aches for you. It's terrible Baby. You're brothers miss you too. I see how they look at babies and I'm so sad that they're confused that all babies don't die, so why did you and I have no good explanation except you were loved, and you still are.
momma
First, at story time, I remembered having Ezra in a very distinct spot between two book shelves, and trying to keep eyes on Josiah. The memories are so vivid sometimes I feel like I'm holding a carseat in the crook of my arm, a pile of books in the other and looking for Josiah, for a split second, and then fucking reality comes blasting into my mind and hollars that it's not real.
Then on the playground Malachi made friends with a little boy who had a 9 month old baby sister. She was eating cherrios and being really playful with her mom, things Ezra and I will never do, and it's hard to find the optimistic thoughts in that situation. His mom very kindly asked way to many questions, ie. was he "cold" when you found him? No, he was not, he was very warm, sweaty actually, and thats characteristic of SIDS, but what the hell does it even matter.
Then to top it off work was really busy, which is acutally usually a good thing, passes quickly and usually fun to interact with the customers, esp because my friend got to job shadow me tonight.
"So when are you due?" asks the customer across the counter. So I said what was true and the words sounded so stupid coming out my mouth, because I don't want to defend myself in this. "I had a baby last year and he died and I've had a really hard time, so I eat more than I should and haven't really tried to loose the weight, but thanks!?!?!" AWKWARD. So I act like it's no big deal, walk away and choke back some tears, and think note to self, just don't EVER ask if people are pregnant unless you see the baby hanging between their legs.
So I held it together until I got home from work. Now I'm here, crying, I'm totally hungry, and not sure what to eat that won't contribute to this baby I seem to be growing.
Trying to end on a peaceful note, I love you Baby Ezra. I wish you were here to snuggle me tonight, I feel like it's what I need. You're a special angel and I see you're gifts everyday. Happy 10 months (or 19 or 7 however we look at it) I miss you so much, these words are so futile to say how my heart aches for you. It's terrible Baby. You're brothers miss you too. I see how they look at babies and I'm so sad that they're confused that all babies don't die, so why did you and I have no good explanation except you were loved, and you still are.
momma
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