Doing the Books
I'm here supposed to be doing the books for the bistro. I like it...if all the numbers add up it gives me a huge sense of accomplishment, how shallow, but true.
Lately my thoughts run in journal entries. As I'm driving, or working at the shop I think about what I could journal/blog and it's all very intensely tragic and beautiful. I like my words. Then I come here to try and get them out, some sort of therapeutic release and they never seem quite as poetic, or flowing.
I've mentioned before, and her now again, that one of the more ongoing heartbreaking aspects of this hell of loosing Ezra is the glimpses into Malachis grief. Fortunately and unfortunately Josiah is slowly forgetting. He sees Ezra's picture and mentions him from time to time but is a lot less sad and scared. Today at dinner Abe mentioned for me to ask him later about something Malachi said to him earlier today. When Malachi was done and away from the table he told me. Malachi said "Daddy, I just don't think Paisley is ever going to die. Every day she's alive when I wake up and she's just a really good baby." Paisley is my 8 month old niece. Our families live together so the kids are all very close. Two things scream sadness to me and I want to take them away from Malachis mind and give him back his innocence. For one, he's probably been anticipating Paisley dying. As far as he knows, babies kinda do that. Also, he thinks Paisley is alive because she is good? I would hate to think that somehow he feels that Ezra was bad. So then as his mother, loving him and wanting him to be healthy, do I bring it back up? Rehash these thoughts, or hope and pray, possibly plead with whatever spiritual being to freaking take these thoughts away from Mal and let him be four. Let him play with his cars and trains, read books and not be obsessed with playing dead. I know it's all really natural but it's so disturbing for me as his momma. I want him to have peace.
This weekend was hard. It seems like they all are. I don't like church, I'm forcing myself to go for some reason? All the songs make me sad and feed my confusion about what God has/had to do in all of this. I think I'm having some trust issues, and do you blame me? Last Sunday one line in the songs said, "you give and take away" what the heck is that supposed to mean to me. Lets not be fluffy here. In my mind what was taken away was my son. Then I begin to wonder what the songwriter thinks that means....and it all seams superficial. I go to church with a lot of recovering drug addicts, and all I ever hear is all the choices they make against healthy living spiritually, physically and otherwise. I think to myself I didn't do that and all I got was a dead baby. Maybe I'm supposed to learn equality. That God sees his children, not what we've done or haven't done, but in the mean time it doesn't work for me.
Abe found a song by the Goo Goo dolls the other day called Better Days. It's so weird becuase we'd just talked about how Christmas presents this year seem so insignificant. When someone asks what do you want for Christmas? First thing to come to our minds are things like Ezra, normalcy, peace, joy, wholeness. All things that seem impossible to attain, and sure as hell cannot be wrapped and placed under a dead tree in the living room. Anyway, the song follows along these lines. If you think of me try and listen to it and know that for these next couple of weeks it will be my anthem.
Somewhere out in the cosmos, heaven, is my little angel Ezra. If you can read my heart, hear my words, or see this writing, I hope you know my love for you has not diminished. I try and focus on our reunioun, I try to hope there will be one for sure, and in the mean time I hope you're happy and comforted, and in a much better place than earth. I light candles for you and I see shooting stars when I'm doing the route and I know we're together in spirit, but sometimes thats not good enough. So, I sleep with your green poka-dot-blankie from Rose and Eathan and it feels like you for one second and then I cry really hard because it's just too hard to come back to reality and know that for the rest of my life you'll be there and I'll be here and there is very little comfort, and it seems cheap that God would let this happen to us, to me and you Ezra. Think eternity Jess....think eternity Jess....thing eternity Jess........
Lately my thoughts run in journal entries. As I'm driving, or working at the shop I think about what I could journal/blog and it's all very intensely tragic and beautiful. I like my words. Then I come here to try and get them out, some sort of therapeutic release and they never seem quite as poetic, or flowing.
I've mentioned before, and her now again, that one of the more ongoing heartbreaking aspects of this hell of loosing Ezra is the glimpses into Malachis grief. Fortunately and unfortunately Josiah is slowly forgetting. He sees Ezra's picture and mentions him from time to time but is a lot less sad and scared. Today at dinner Abe mentioned for me to ask him later about something Malachi said to him earlier today. When Malachi was done and away from the table he told me. Malachi said "Daddy, I just don't think Paisley is ever going to die. Every day she's alive when I wake up and she's just a really good baby." Paisley is my 8 month old niece. Our families live together so the kids are all very close. Two things scream sadness to me and I want to take them away from Malachis mind and give him back his innocence. For one, he's probably been anticipating Paisley dying. As far as he knows, babies kinda do that. Also, he thinks Paisley is alive because she is good? I would hate to think that somehow he feels that Ezra was bad. So then as his mother, loving him and wanting him to be healthy, do I bring it back up? Rehash these thoughts, or hope and pray, possibly plead with whatever spiritual being to freaking take these thoughts away from Mal and let him be four. Let him play with his cars and trains, read books and not be obsessed with playing dead. I know it's all really natural but it's so disturbing for me as his momma. I want him to have peace.
This weekend was hard. It seems like they all are. I don't like church, I'm forcing myself to go for some reason? All the songs make me sad and feed my confusion about what God has/had to do in all of this. I think I'm having some trust issues, and do you blame me? Last Sunday one line in the songs said, "you give and take away" what the heck is that supposed to mean to me. Lets not be fluffy here. In my mind what was taken away was my son. Then I begin to wonder what the songwriter thinks that means....and it all seams superficial. I go to church with a lot of recovering drug addicts, and all I ever hear is all the choices they make against healthy living spiritually, physically and otherwise. I think to myself I didn't do that and all I got was a dead baby. Maybe I'm supposed to learn equality. That God sees his children, not what we've done or haven't done, but in the mean time it doesn't work for me.
Abe found a song by the Goo Goo dolls the other day called Better Days. It's so weird becuase we'd just talked about how Christmas presents this year seem so insignificant. When someone asks what do you want for Christmas? First thing to come to our minds are things like Ezra, normalcy, peace, joy, wholeness. All things that seem impossible to attain, and sure as hell cannot be wrapped and placed under a dead tree in the living room. Anyway, the song follows along these lines. If you think of me try and listen to it and know that for these next couple of weeks it will be my anthem.
Somewhere out in the cosmos, heaven, is my little angel Ezra. If you can read my heart, hear my words, or see this writing, I hope you know my love for you has not diminished. I try and focus on our reunioun, I try to hope there will be one for sure, and in the mean time I hope you're happy and comforted, and in a much better place than earth. I light candles for you and I see shooting stars when I'm doing the route and I know we're together in spirit, but sometimes thats not good enough. So, I sleep with your green poka-dot-blankie from Rose and Eathan and it feels like you for one second and then I cry really hard because it's just too hard to come back to reality and know that for the rest of my life you'll be there and I'll be here and there is very little comfort, and it seems cheap that God would let this happen to us, to me and you Ezra. Think eternity Jess....think eternity Jess....thing eternity Jess........
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