6 days and counting
When I began this blog, I told myself to come sometimes when I'm feeling optimistic and let any posisble readers in on the lighter side of life, but at those times the last thing I want to come and do is sit in the basement in front of the computer, I'll reserve those moments for being with Malachi and Josiah. So concluded here right now is the fact that this is my place to be solemn to be contemplative and if nothing more to vent thoughts that no one unless I write them will ever know.
Today at work my mind took a quick trip into the year ago life, something I do often. A year ago tonight we were probably fishing down on the spit, maybe even having a small campfire and roasting hotdogs. I was starting to say things like, wow Abe in about 3 weeks we will have 3 kids. Life was so blissful it baffels me. I'm sure evil looks back at that times and sees the tragedy before us and has some evil gawking laugh for the irony of life so good rushing into life so terrible. Little did we know that it would only be 6 short days and we'd wake early in the morning to greet the third little life into our family.
Thinking about Ezra's 1st b-day and how to spend it without him has had me in an anxious knot. I don't take my meds anymore, good/bad I'm not sure?, anyway it's hard to plan how you're actually going to feel. I've worried about it and told myself, it will be what it will be. We may get to the end of the day and decide it was the worst way we could have spent it or the best, the relief will be in the fact that it's spent, the having survived a deep pain and made it to the other side of health.
I will share that I am somewhat settled at the things we have decided to do. We're going to wake up early and go make coffee and put in in a thermos. Then we'll take off to someplace outdoors, I think the indian painted rocks where the little spokane river flows through and little civilization can be seen. We'll drink our coffee and watch the morning dance on nature and remember that at one year ago we were together in a small room in Homer Alaska welcoming our precious son Ezra Lucas into our lives. Abe is still planning on working, we'll fill the time with mundane routine and then join together with family later in the day to eat and plant a peach tree at my mom and dads house. Hopefully in the time to come the peaches will remind us of Ezra and we'll think fondly on one year of Ezra, his here and his there. I suppose I should have some pictures developed, I want to help the boys remember the time we had that morning. I think I will tell them the story of how mommy worked hard all night to hope that she wasn't in labor because Grandma wasn't there yet.
I like to end with a note to little Ezra,
Dear Baby, I wish I could step back in time one year, even for one minute to be pregnant with you safe in my tummy again. To be out of control on when you would be in my arms, but to have the hope that you would be here soon. Sometimes waiting for the undefined heaven that is supposed to comfort me frustrates me so terrible because I just feel like a child pitching a fit and I want you now, or even soon. I have no idea what that takes so I try every day to be strong, to focus on Daddy and Malachi and Josiah and the things we're still here for some reason to do. I cannot fathom why I have to live life without you and I want to tell you all the time that I would change it if I could, I would have you here with me instead and when I feel hopeful about whats ahead I always wish it were different, that everything I do is in place of ideally you here with us. We talk about having another baby, and I feel somehow that would make you sad wherever you are, but it shouldn't, and I think telling you this makes me feel better. We want you to always be a special part of this family and I try everyday to incorporate your memory in our lives. It will always be welcome and I invite your spirit to enrich our lives in anyway you wish. I love you Ezra Lucas!
Momma
Today at work my mind took a quick trip into the year ago life, something I do often. A year ago tonight we were probably fishing down on the spit, maybe even having a small campfire and roasting hotdogs. I was starting to say things like, wow Abe in about 3 weeks we will have 3 kids. Life was so blissful it baffels me. I'm sure evil looks back at that times and sees the tragedy before us and has some evil gawking laugh for the irony of life so good rushing into life so terrible. Little did we know that it would only be 6 short days and we'd wake early in the morning to greet the third little life into our family.
Thinking about Ezra's 1st b-day and how to spend it without him has had me in an anxious knot. I don't take my meds anymore, good/bad I'm not sure?, anyway it's hard to plan how you're actually going to feel. I've worried about it and told myself, it will be what it will be. We may get to the end of the day and decide it was the worst way we could have spent it or the best, the relief will be in the fact that it's spent, the having survived a deep pain and made it to the other side of health.
I will share that I am somewhat settled at the things we have decided to do. We're going to wake up early and go make coffee and put in in a thermos. Then we'll take off to someplace outdoors, I think the indian painted rocks where the little spokane river flows through and little civilization can be seen. We'll drink our coffee and watch the morning dance on nature and remember that at one year ago we were together in a small room in Homer Alaska welcoming our precious son Ezra Lucas into our lives. Abe is still planning on working, we'll fill the time with mundane routine and then join together with family later in the day to eat and plant a peach tree at my mom and dads house. Hopefully in the time to come the peaches will remind us of Ezra and we'll think fondly on one year of Ezra, his here and his there. I suppose I should have some pictures developed, I want to help the boys remember the time we had that morning. I think I will tell them the story of how mommy worked hard all night to hope that she wasn't in labor because Grandma wasn't there yet.
I like to end with a note to little Ezra,
Dear Baby, I wish I could step back in time one year, even for one minute to be pregnant with you safe in my tummy again. To be out of control on when you would be in my arms, but to have the hope that you would be here soon. Sometimes waiting for the undefined heaven that is supposed to comfort me frustrates me so terrible because I just feel like a child pitching a fit and I want you now, or even soon. I have no idea what that takes so I try every day to be strong, to focus on Daddy and Malachi and Josiah and the things we're still here for some reason to do. I cannot fathom why I have to live life without you and I want to tell you all the time that I would change it if I could, I would have you here with me instead and when I feel hopeful about whats ahead I always wish it were different, that everything I do is in place of ideally you here with us. We talk about having another baby, and I feel somehow that would make you sad wherever you are, but it shouldn't, and I think telling you this makes me feel better. We want you to always be a special part of this family and I try everyday to incorporate your memory in our lives. It will always be welcome and I invite your spirit to enrich our lives in anyway you wish. I love you Ezra Lucas!
Momma
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