3 Years Yesterday Ago

Three years later and the heat of August has me in quite a knot. It's so cliche to say, but it seems as if only yesterday little Ezra was here, and that horrible day that all of a sudden he wasn't. I've caught myself several times, staring into space, feeling heavy and lethargic and without warning tears will well in my eyes, and I wonder what I am sad about, and when I remember that it is Ezra's death and I feel bad for not being very aware. I know better, but sometimes the head and the heart do not dance so well and my heart is trying to help me work out some of the deeper hurts that I do well to leave aside and get on with the life we have now.

Three years later it's still really sad so I know it is ok to cry and I do when I need to. Thanks to the blessing of healing I don't spend as much time dwelling on the sadness, and try to find ways to bring his spirit along with us so when it is hot, and muggy, the trees rustle with a breeze just like the day Ezra died everything in me shorts out and I get anxious and feel the separation and the memory of my hell. I check on Hazel often, I imagine her dying, I imagine Abe dying, finding someone dead, calling out for help and the spinning of helplessness and memories from that day. It's miserable. I feel like my expressions are blank and when someone asks me if I'm ok, or even everyday questions, I don't know how to answer. My head is not here, and I have no clue where to find it. Today I repeated to myself several times.....get through August....get through August.

Three years later I think of Ezra often. I don't think he's a baby anymore, I imagine him being 3. What it would be like to have one more rambunctious boy wrestling Abe around on the bed. Still taking naps with him and Haze in the afternoon. I see all the ways he would be right in the mix of this our life and miss the ways he is missing, all the while finding peace with his spirit near us.