No No Sun Shine!

The sun was shining bright here in Spokane all day, it's still very cold, below freezing. For the first time in my life, at least that I can remember, I didn't want the sun to shine and I dreaded thoughts of Summer just around Springs corner. I've always appreciated each season, here we have four very definitive seasons and the anticipation of what is coming always seemed exciting. But summer will be the days of Ezra and right now that is so depressing to think of warm days coming that will not include a diaper butt baby laying swadled in the cool grass, he loved it!

The last couple of days have been mentally psycho. I keep running the memory so vivid it seems like film, finding Ezra, the hospital, the doctors, the visit from the detective and the medical examiner, my baby suffering, his brown hair and what it felt like to kiss it, his olive skin, so different from Mal and Tukie. These times seem to come and go, hard to mentally forget the feel of my baby dead in my arms, what it felt like to cry with such agony and for it to satisfy nothing. These are the thoughts and sadness that haunt me and I can't get away from them at times.

I'll just say this and continue to say it. I love you Ezra. Even though you are not in my arms I love you, I know you're with us in spirit and I'm greatful and very bitter that you're not here physically.